I feel compelled to sit here and write because for the first time in a long time - I am alone. Adam has taken Chico out of the house so that I can just "be." I have been feeling a little...well... I hate to say it, but kind of "down" about my capabilities as a mom and what my life is like on a day to day basis. I swear I won't spend this whole blog post justifying my feelings because I have more days where I DON'T feel this way - but this mom gig is tough and sometimes I feel like my soul is drowning in all things baby.
My job is to take care of my son. My day revolves around my son. My conversations revolve around my son or baby related things. Something I read about babies - a new sleep technique, a new product, etc.
"Should we go somewhere today?" I will think out loud. "Oh wait - you're teething and crabby, okay well we'll stay home all day then."
"Oh, you seem like you're in a great mood - let's get out of the house!" Leave the house, kid's asleep in the car - now I sit in silence waiting for baby to wake up. Plans foiled.
If I had to give myself a performance review for the last few days I would fire myself. I have been short tempered, lacked patience, haven't been able to get Chico to take naps despite my best efforts (that can go on for hours...) and on top of it I feel incredibly guilty for being - short tempted, lacking patience, etc.
After not being able to put Chico down for a nap yesterday I came out of the bedroom enraged.
"Take him! He won't sleep, I don't know what's wrong with him, if I'm doing something wrong - I feel like a bad mother!"
Adam reacted in a way that I heard as uber annoyed - "Oh come on - you know you're not a bad mom!"
Then I cried because I felt invalidated - "But I FEEL like a bad mom!"
We got over it. But I know something has got to change for me. I want to be home with Chico, but I need to be a human that isn't always consumed with a baby and being a mom. I wish I had things more figured out a year in and I also wish I could say every day is a walk in the park but some days are just so, so hard.